we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
