Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize