You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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