did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
