did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
