My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
