I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize