I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
