I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
