He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize