OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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