I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
