remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
