the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
