my soul wont recognize me after tonight
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Houston, we have a blender
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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