my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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