I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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