The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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