Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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