i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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