Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
