No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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