new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
