The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
