We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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