M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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