how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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