I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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