Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
