The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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