I molested 6 butterflies tonight
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
