I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
