I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
