he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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