whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Randomize
