Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
