at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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