Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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