Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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