Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Randomize
