you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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