Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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