My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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