I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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