the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
