I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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