Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
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