Just cropdusted the office
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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