Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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