She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
