I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
