Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
