I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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