There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
