I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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