Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He has the fingertips of a God
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
