The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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