he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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