I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
