you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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