Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize