I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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